thick(er) skin
ok. so the last entry was supposed to be this entry but i forgot what i had intended on titling it, and now with the dog still on my lap but my brain cleared from the distraction that is the dog (ever-present, ever stinky) i can move on.
i need to grow another layer of skin, it appears. i don’t think i ever realized how much of a wimp i am. or maybe as i get older i’m becoming wimpier. it seems that my emotions begin to rocketship during and close to the holidays.
i don’t know why.
last week or two weeks ago, i sat in bed watching beaches. i cried at the end. (who doesn’t?) i have asthma though so i think i should get a free pass on it. i’d been suffering from breathing problems not too long before i saw the movie so when the mother couldn’t get a deep breath it struck a chord for me. whatdyawantfromme???
anyway, the reason i need to get thicker skin is because i think i may react too deeply in certain situations. the way i feel when disappointment comes my way is similar to a child who’s bike has been kicked over (so what?!!) or a teenager whose pictures from daycamp have been ruined (i was TOTALLY JUSTIFIED when i cried over that in high school).
the point is, now, as a wannabe singer/adult/entertainer/lover of people (including menfolk) i’m gonna have to toughen up. i would like to think that my sensitivity is my only saving grace for what otherwise appears to be my lack of emotionality. i mean i can write all the emotions on the globe (well maybe not all but some) and i can generally feel them in a private way, which i think is a good thing. but get me on the street and i’m not your biggest emoter.
i know these paragraphs seem contrary to each other, but i felt like crying the other day when the guy i like (after 1 date, mind you) didn’t call me THE DAY AFTER THE DATE.
something is amiss.
when my guitarist had to take what felt like a brief leave of absence (a couple of months we’ll say) from our regular gigs, i DID cry. i felt personally attacked. like he was leaving me.
and maybe that’s it. maybe i’m on that lilo and stitch memo pad, stuck for life. believing or wanting to believe that “family means no one gets left behind.” and i wanna be your family. i want my friends and close ones to feel and treat and love and want and need me as they would family. and when that doesn’t appear to exist—that tight bonded “iwouldNEVERdothattosomeoneilove”-ness i feel some kinda way.
hurt, wounded, dejected, rejected, sad, missing something. something needed. alone. misunderstood. devastated.
and the thing is, it takes me a while to bounce back from such strikes to my…something
i don’t think it’s an ego thing. i think it’s a heart thing.
either way, i should be able to work with a producer consistently and then not get tracks from him for a whole year and not feel some kinda way about it, right?
or am i ok adding, or attaching meaning to my relationships (all of them) and wanting them to all beat as does my heart for their presence in my life and the joy they add to it…?
one day i will know the answer to these questions, but until then, i am praying not for a white christmas—no. i am praying for skin that’s just a tad bit thick(er)…that meaning the superlative of thick :)
